DATE...AT YOUR RISK!

Trinidad is such a close knit society the likelihood of meeting a woman who likes women casually on the street is like finding that pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. Of course females catches my eyes while on the move but never would I jump out of character and approach; Trinidad is no Paris!

Dating is different for everyone.

Image taken from Google

Some women are reserved and prefer to go through the route of online dating (Facebook, BBM, Whatsapp TAGGED) and other online avenues. These resources are full of groups and forums. If luck shines upon you, finding someone in your area may be just one click away.  

Online dating is not always safe so taking time to protect yourself is a matter of common sense to ensure your safety. On some of these sites men post as women with a profile picture and everything to trick you. Thirsty!

There are other forms of networking such as clubs, art galleries, work, which is not a very good idea for many, many reasons; at church, yes I said it. A close friend of mine actually met her first girlfriend in church.

So I asked a few ladies how do you they meet women?
 Rachel was generous to share one of her avenues.

" I met her on B-chat.  Strangely enough she knew people I knew. (Small world) We messaged each other often, we had real good conversations . We also had a lot of things in common. I am addicted to video games. I love God of War, Grand Theft Auto and FIFA 14 and she's a gamer as too so we clicked. Then we met, hmm!  She was not what I expected. Physically I was not attracted to her but I did not want seem shallow so I dating her for awhile and things just was not working out for me. We are much better at being friends."

I thought meeting someone through a B-chat was peculiar Joanne dating method was the strangest I have ever heard of.

“My first girlfriend I found her in the classified personal ad Match making service.”

The classified, who would have thought certainly not me.

Image taken from Google

“I called the number  and asked the operator if they do matches for same sex couples and he said yes. He gave me a number and I called. She was very articulate and funny we spoke for four months over the phone before we actually met. When we finally met there was no awkwardness whatsoever. We started a relationship that lasted two years.”

My first thought on dating through this method, is safety; especially with the reputation of Trinidad’s society.

There are those who are as reserve as I am and had a friend play match maker.

Meeting people that are compatible takes time and effort.

Stacy

“How did I meet her? Hmm, I told a male friend of mine I was ready to meet someone but I don’t know where to go or  how to even start. I know I did not want to do the online dating thing. He knows a lot of people and I trusted him because he knows my personality and my type. Within a week he said I have someone who I think you will adore and he gave me her number. At first I was skeptical,  but it turned out she is everything I expected. I am not openly gay and neither is she. We were both nervous on the first date, we went to the movie. We saw “For coloured Girl” we were in a total mess, everything felt uncomfortable and we were clumsy because of the nervousness. No one made the first move I guess we were both wondering what the first move was! But by the time the third date came around all the jitters had vanished. So far the relationship is steady I love it. We are protective of each other.  When it comes to dating people choose avenues that are suited for them.”

Then there are the brave ones who on any given day will march up to an attractive woman and compliment her whether the recipient responds with disgust, bewilderment, politeness or curiosity.

Image taken from Google

Jassy:

I was at a "back in time" party and she was standing at the bottom of the stairs, she asked me if I had a pin or something because the strap of her shoe had just bust loose. I did not have a pin but my purse is like a tool box I found a paper clip and hooked the two straps together. Innovative, I think so. We ended up partying together and exchanged numbers. I felt an attraction for her. I was not sure about her sexuality but I took the risk and told her  I was interested in her. I thought she would have rejected me. When she did not speak to me for awhile I didn't feel crushed or anything. I sent messages and called when she answered, said she was consumed with family issues. I counted my loses; then about two weeks after she called and asked if I want to meet for drinks. I inquired about what I said about me being interested. She said she was not gay. I respected that. But then she sent me this really long message saying something about me was intriguing. One thing led to another and we starting dated. I would pick her up from work, take her to class... lo and behold I found out she had a boyfriend, that kind of killed it for me. “

Image taken from Google

The truth of lesbian dating the community is so small and you might meet someone who knows all five of your exes and have dated all five of your exes. Okay not all five, at least three. You are acquainted with all the types. The players,the meet today tell you they love you tomorrow types,  the long term relationship types,  the friends with benefits types and of course the straight girl experimental types. And that's the trouble with dating in general there is no difference to heterosexuals dating.

Lesbians meet anywhere and everywhere randomly and intentionally.

A DIFFERENT MIX OF MOVIES

The joy of dating outside your race is the fact that you are introduced to interesting things you would not have known about like food, artifacts, traditions, languages and movies.

Surely I would not have ever watched the movie Fire

Image taken from Google images

Its story of frustrated desires, love starved women and the bonds of tradition make. 

Two Indian women are forced into typical arranged marriage with joint family arrangement to two brothers and their mother in law find solace in each other because of their absence husband.

From the start, there is trouble between Sita and her husband, Jatin.  Three days into their marriage, on their honeymoon at the Taj Mahal and listening to a guide tell the love story that led to its construction; Sita is asking, ''Don't you like me?''

Throughout the movie Sita tried to provoke some emotion from her husband who showed little interest in her or in being married all the while he’s dating a Chinese woman. Sita does not rebuke him for fear that it may bring dishonour to her parents.

Radha the older wife is barren. Her husband Ashok is a disciple of a swami who preaches resistance to temptation, and the couple have been celibate for 13 years.

Thirteen years!

These men were got what they deserved. The movie just shows how men are guided by their self-interest.

Being shunned by their husbands, incited by their feelings and driven to desperation by their unfulfilled longings, Radha and Sita confiding in each other their loneliness.  As time passed the two women realise their love for each other and they started seeking ways to move out and be on their own.

The feminist message I comprehend from Fire was women independence and not being constraint by the roles assigned to them by religion.  The two women assert their independence.

Radha and Sita go through the motions wavering between their desires and disappointments. Radha, the older woman, remained bound by tradition and subdued into silence while Sita refused to accept misfortune and wished to break free.

Image taken from Google

The servant Mundu however became aware of the relationship between Sita and Radha and told Ashok Rahda’s husband. He walks in on women horrified and confronted Radha.

The confrontation led Radha to finally overcome her subservience and dispel her emotions and desire for Sita because she wants to live.  Thirteen years of celibacy and absence, go on what do you expect? She suggested that if Ashok seeks to control desires then he should seek Swamiji's help and stop the ritual.

Amid the argument, Radha's sari caught fire. Ashok stepped out of the way and angrily watched her burn (for her sinful desires references to the fiery trials of purity imposed upon Sita, the wife of Rama in the ''Ramayana,''). Radha puts out the flames and she left Ashok.

This film suggested its climax, the two women ended up together.

Image taken from Google images

It all started when Camille’s dog dies and she accidentally picked up the wrong clothes at the laundromat; the clothes belonged to Petra. Camille returns them to Petra's workplace, an avant-garde circus in an empty warehouse where Petra confesses that she switched them on purpose so she could seduce Camille. 

Just being out of context Petra is hot- I wonder why these things do not happen in real life. When night is falling is one of those movies that open your eyes.

Anyway on with the story Petra begins following Camille.   It seems like a highly improbable match, where extreme opposites often fall in love despite the understanding that they probably would never work out in real life and that makes it interesting. Camille is as a professor of mythology.

Camille struggles with the idea of being perceived as gay as much as she struggles with her self-identity and religious doctrine.  Her attraction to Petra revolved around her telling her fiancé about the affair. She confessed to the reverend that she is confused by her attraction to Petra. Camille does not seem to be conflicted about engaging in what she had previously believed was a sin that is engaging in what the church would consider sinful behaviour by sleeping with her fiancé prior to marriage.

The story is told through recurring visual imagery like white light and people flying through the air. The chemistry between the two actresses is palpable and viewers certainly find themselves rooting for the star crossed-lovers.  As night is falling is a fairly light and romantic movie.

The character of Petra is played by a woman of colour begs the question of whether her race is supposed to see as “exotic”. In Camille’s eyes Petra was perceived as the circus “freak” and then her unabashed sexuality comes to mind. I thought of sad comparison of Sara Baartman, the African woman who was kept naked and caged as a circus act in Europe during the early 1800’s, condemned to display what the white culture believed to be the inherent sexual lasciviousness of black.  

Still it is refreshing to see a woman of colour characterized as a confident and seemingly feminist.

 

Image taken from Google images

In one scene when caught by the Reverend in a compromising position with Petra, Camille lies to him and says that Petra is a street kid who is highly disturbed. Petra overhears the offensive comment she is disgusted and is next shown back at the circus highly upset. But when Camille comes to her that night the comments are not discussed by the two.

When Night is Falling has a refined visual beauty that developed the love story into one that is heart- warming and charming. The emotional center is sound.   The film is absorbing, sensible with a little humor. 

Empty closet vs Full closet

Photo taken from Google images

One day I was sitting at work when around nine a.m I received a phone call from a woman. Let's call her Nicole. She sounded very professional addressing me by my full name and I immediately thought, she was a telemarketer or someone trying to sell me insurance, so I was a little annoyed until she said, she received my number from a mutual friend. 

I was shocked so I remained silent, let her do all the talking, she kept asking are you there? Is there anything you wanted to ask, I said no because our mutual friend never mentioned her to me.

She was polite and said, "Well now you have my number give me a call."

It took me a week before I text her back. From that day we clicked. We spoke most of the day sometimes all night. Thank goodness for Bmobile free after three.

We did the social networking relationship for close to six months before meeting personally.

Image taken from Google

Everything made more sense. 
It was the birth of a whole different person all I had questioned for years were answered, everything felt absolutely authentic.

The communication and understanding were on point.  We were making plans for a future. We got engaged and planned a trip to New York to get married by the end of the next year; she bought a ring and even a rent an apartment.

Our biggest obstacle was Nicole is openly gay and I am not, so she introduced me to her mother, her friends, her son and her son’s father as her girlfriend or “wifey”. I introduced her to my circle as my friend. She disliked being called "my friend".

Other people's perception of her was the last thing she thought about. 

Image taken from Google

She’s a believer in public display of affection. Nicole is the type of person who will stand on the stairs of the Hall of Justice and profess her love. She loves holding hands in public I can tolerate that but the long hugs or trying to kiss; the attention she drew was unwarranted.  
I was not ashamed but everything has its place and time.

Image taken from Google

All of a sudden everything was moving at lightning speed.  I had uncertainties, I was not ready for a relationship where my orientation will be known to my family and friends.  I wanted to be with her without the attention, the ring,  the plans because for me so many things could have gone wrong in my life.

Then I thought we were not compatible this was only my first same-sex relationship. Also, I was very concerned that there was a child involved. She quickly clarified that her son who is about eleven understood. He was never a problem to the relationship though, we had conversations, he's very intelligent and well mannered but I found it difficult to believe he understood everything.

Nicole and I ended things on a very sour note however we maintain a bizarre friendship. I often wonder what would have if I had disregarded all my fears and lived the way we planned. 

Image of ex-girlfriend tattoo of my name

In a couple of months I met someone else and she was unsure about her sexual identity.

Dating in closet is suiting for persons who are not yet out and are in the confusion stage of their sexual identity. 








You will think that these relationship wouldl be less problematic because there’s no pressure to come out. There will be patience and understanding. 

Image taken from Google

Wrong it’s a nightmare and emotionally exhausting. It makes you feel paranoid and on the edge.

Image taken from Google images

Dating a closet lesbian comes with boundaries:

No Public Display of Affection including don’t walk to close, don’t stand to close

Social anxiety: don’t come around when my friends are around.

Conscious awareness that their homoerotic attractive is unacceptable and must not integrate into their public persona. We go to the movies and won't hold hands even though the theater is dark.

There’s gender disassociation in conversations “ I’m going out with my friend tonight. We went to dinner this weekend.It's my friend birthday” 
To the listening ear they immediately associate the person with being someone of the opposite sex.

Being in the closet you comprehend the fabrication and secrecy. Somehow you make it work because psychological you are both on the same level of development and acceptance and you were once in her shoe. 

Work on building the relationship together step by step without the fear that the others would expose your life to others, It’s safe and remotely comfortable.  Now I understand why the relationship with an out of the closet person did not work, we were in two different places mentally.
Dating is not easy as it is. The conflict of someone in the closet versus someone is not can be complicated.

AT THE MOVIES

Photo taken from Google images

I'm going through my archive and came across one of my favourite movies,I can't think straight I can't count how many times I have watched this. What I love about this movie apart from the accents and the characters are easy on the eyes is sense of duty and cultural constraints. 

The characters are from two different cultural backgrounds and a clash between conventions and individuality. I can’t think straight focuses on the relationship between the Tala, a Jordanian woman and Leyla a pensive Indian-British woman who faces similar pressure at home to marry someone with their religion and cultural background brought together by chance.

Tala and Leyla form a slow bond that grows deeper with every minute they spend together. Eventually, the two girls reveal their true feelings to one another. The central conflict is set up and both characters respond differently, both controlled by their heritage.

However, Leyla the shy one decides to be honest with herself and her family by coming out. Leyla, who was unsure of her sexuality until she met Tala, takes it upon herself to live out and proud while Tala remained fearful.

What I really like about this movie the wittiness; the comical touches of something that’s serious. The characters are easy to relate to and the transformation one can make when they truly accept themselves. Its not a five star movie but its funny heartwarming and a bit sexy to me.

Photo taken from Google image

While channel searching a few years ago I came across this movie Imagine You and Me“ Since then I have seen it at least a dozen times. It’s a romantic comedy base in North London with lesbian content. This movie withstands the pitfalls often found in movies about romantic triangles. Usually for me British movies are boring but this one is exceptional.

 Imagine love at first sight on your wedding day and it is not for the person standing next to you. A momentary glances; awaken an attraction for the woman who's been employed to do the flowers in the church.

Rachel and Heck are getting married then a stranger; Luce shows up.

 At the reception afterwards, Luce introduces herself to Rachel. The two hit it off and begin speaking as if they have already known each other. Luce then impresses Rachel when she fishes Rachel's accidentally-dropped wedding ring out of the punch bowl.   When the wedding’s finished Rachel finds herself inviting Luce over for dinner.

Heck has no idea that his wife has discovered herself as a closet bi-sexual, but he does know something’s wrong and he’s desperate to understand her.

Over the next few days, Rachel continues to resist her growing attraction to Luce, unable to deny what she is feeling, she eventually confronts Luce directly at her flower shop.

Heck quits his job and returns home drunk where Rachel carelessly confesses all to him as he sleeps, but without saying who her love is.

Throughout the entire movie I thought Rachel was the knave, if that's what I should call her because Luce was not the one who initiated the romance, you're getting married but gaping at a stranger! She corrupted everyone. I sympathized with Heck. He is just this overly sweet character.

 There's no stupidity about relationships, no unrealistic plots and gimmicks, worn-out, comical misunderstandings, the primary and important secondary characters are three dimensional, cliche and stereotype are at a minimum and creates a genuine world full of compassion from a lesbian/bi perspective, this film is positively presented. 

MIXED EMOTIONS

Photo taken from Google image

The first time a girl touched me I was twelve, she was fifteen. I was paranoid because I had no explanation as to why a female who touch another in such a manner. For a long time I tried to comprehend what she did and what I felt. Although it happened just that one time I never forget.

While teenage girls were getting in relationship with schoolboy and men I was withdrawn because there were so much confusion going on in my head and body. Worried that someone will figure out I was engrossed by same sex.

 My feelings were my terrorist, even now on occasions.

At times I wonder why she touched me, what is it that she saw? Or was she even like me? Even though we lived closed she never seemed to be on the other side; she appeared straighter than the white lines in the road.

I traced back in my mind to Standard Three when I was completely amazed by my teacher. During the recess and lunch periods I spent most of my time sitting in the class talking to her about all type of trivial things I guess. On mornings I could barely wait to see her grey car drive into the street, I would race to car park to hold her handbag. Ms Springer was also the PE teacher, so whenever the athletes had training sessions I was there helping with the team’s equipment or whatever she needed.

Ms. Springer must have thought I had some potential because I ended up on the reserve team. Mind you I never ran a competitive race in my life. Best year in Primary School.

I loved her eyes; they changed to different shades of brown depending on how the light hit her. I was nine and I remember her as though she is sitting in front of me this very minute.

Wanting that “normal” feeling was elusive.

When I was nineteen I started a six months training program at the Fire Station and there my feelings manifested.  Men will ask me out and I would find every excuse not to become acquainted. Some came to the conclusion I was afraid of men, or maybe I was too sheltered as a child. 

Photo taken from Google image

There was this one co worker Cheryl that held my attention.  Again, I was totally in awe. Of course I never mustered up the courage to say anything.

I lived in this mental chaos. I felt all the “symptoms” of being in love and it did not help that she was very sweet and polite. After that six months work program I must have called her maybe once or twice; then I forced myself to let it go.

I wanted a reason.

Not knowing where to go I searched the newspaper hoping there was an outlet. I called a hotline and spoke to the “shrink “or whoever was on the other end.

It was not a place that dealt with the issue of homosexual but the lady on the other end said I should still visit the center and speak to her face to face. She convinced me I was young and the way I felt would eventually disappear, as sometimes women appreciated the art that is a body’s woman and it does not mean they want to be with each other.

For me I was not appreciating art.

I wanted to be the woman.  Instead she painted a picture that women can not be sexually attracted to other females; so something was definitely wrong with me.

 I managed to hoax myself into the view everything I experienced was in my imagination, it was immoral and unacceptable. It took three years of suppression to not want a woman in that way. 

But I could not erase the memory of the Ms. Springer, Cheryl and the touch of my fifteen year old female neighbor.

At twenty two years, I had my first boyfriend, James. We met at work. I’m not sure how we even started a relationship but I was curious what it felt like to be with a male.

I struggled to connect with him on all levels physically, mentally and sexually. More so, I felt absolutely nothing towards him.

My internal demons fought with my external facade. He detected my remoteness, my lack of interest and came to the conclusion I was being unfaithful. I grew wary of lies and told him, I think I’m gay.

 At first he laughed it off, he then realized I was serious and began cussing; cussing led to a physical altercation, being threatened and sexually violated at knife point then being taken home with a new imp to nurture.

We moved on with our life.

I did not know how to feel. I was not angry, hurt or scarred.

I was numb, completely emotionless. My existent was a tormented stillness.

 Prep crocodile tears!!! I’m far from that.

So, how do I define myself? Human, a woman but sometimes I don’t have the word for it.

I'm curious, what makes you so curious?

Photo taken from Google image

There is no such thing as a dumb question, I beg to differ.  The appeal of two women being together is marvelling and difficult to understand for some. Each time questions emerge about how is it possible, the explanation becomes almost like explaining a science project on presentation day. Everything has to be expounded perfectly so there are no misconceptions from the beginning to end.  Don’t get me wrong, there are a few genuine questions but some are out-and-out stupid and rude. 

I have compiled a few that comes across as irritating. 

1.     Would you be offended if I asked you something?

The moment that question is asked there is already a sense of uneasiness. If you have to ask most likely I may be offended but go ahead and ask your question.

2.     So you like girls?

Well technically I don’t, I’m interested in woman. What’s the difference? Everything; the level of maturity, life vision, communication and there’s a clear goal.

3.     How come you’re a lesbian?

The line to Men Land was way too long so I decided to take a shortcut and here I am. It’s not a question of how and why.

4.     Which one of you are the man and which one of you are the woman?

Is this a trick question? Wait a minute let’s flip a coin… head for man, tail for woman. That sounds so wrong and kind of sexist. One female is more dominant than the other but clearly its two female.

5.     Do you hate men?

No, I just don’t want to date them; however I do have some really great male friends. 

6    How do you know you are a lesbian, if you have never been with a man?

 Have you ever had sex with a man/woman, so how do you know that you are straight? Yea that confused expression on your face is the same look on mine when you posted your question.

7.     Can I change your mind?

How does this works? I wanted chocolate ice-cream but you persuaded me into trying the strawberry instead because you think it tastes better. No.

8.     Can I watch?

It’s not like baking a cake; and the last time I checked this is not a television program. Google is more useful, just search, click and watch.

Then the one female friend who decides to turn years of friendship into a completely awkward scenario.

9.     How come you don’t like me? Am I not nice enough or something?

To not hurt her feelings, you say something absolutely profound, you know you could be my sister. There’s no precise response; saying no is an insult and saying yes certainly makes everything uncomfortable. Laugh it off because honestly you don’t see her that way and also, you respect your friendship.

10.                      Do you want children?

Yes, when the time comes. There are options. If you meant without a man being involved directly…there are options. The thought of children requires in depth planning by both partners.

11.                      Is it easier to be with a woman?

Put two equally hormonal individuals in a relationship and it’s a recipe for destruction once every month.  Endless crying, endless fighting, endless bitching and days of the silent treatment, it’s oh so petty. No we don’t understand each other fully. Hell, women are complicated creatures but like everything else it takes time and patience. The gender in a relationship does not change the share of trials and frustration.

The list can go on and on and the questions will become more ludicrous to mention.

This post was done for amusement, however some of the answers were genuine from the interviewee perspective.  

Is it real or a fantasy?

Lesbianism, in its simple form, is the homosexuality of women.

When it comes to women expressing sexual and romantic desires towards another woman from my observance men perceive it as something erotic, exotic and fascinating. Lesbians are the prey to heterosexual men fantasies. 

For most lesbianism is not taken seriously. The moment a woman reveals she’s interested in women it seems as though a light bulb comes on in a man's head. Men hardly believe women can be homosexuals, and also that a woman could not be attracted to men.

They find reasons to justify why lesbianism is not genuine.

 First being, a girl who grew up only in the company of other girls will most likely be attracted to women and not men. As a child gender roles were not properly assigned and on the other hand, women who were abused and hurt by men tend to be lesbians for comfort. While a friend of mine strongly believe lesbians are women who did not developed womanly; that is, small breasted, unshapely or have other insecurities about her body and prefer to be with women.

 If this is so, where does the attraction come from?

I think the media plays a significant role in the depiction of lesbians as flaky and inconsistent with their sexual preference. Lesbianism is viewed as experimental where straight women have sexual rendezvous with other women for entertainment. Whereas gay men are taken seriously because heterosexual men have real fears about them.

However, not all representation of lesbianism in the media is false there are some really good movies and TV shows which are quite accurate. I will divulge into these in a later post.

No is difficult to hear or men are not good at hearing no. Persistence can be annoying. There will never be the right phrase or action to persuade a woman to automatically give in.  When that fail to work nine out of ten times men spur the involuntarily question which they hope will bring results, “My girlfriend is interested in inviting another woman into the bedroom would you be interested?”

Really, as though your “girlfriend” is ultimate accolade.

Contrary to popular belief, not because a woman is attracted to women means she’s attracted to all women. Straight women, not because a woman is attracted to women means she’s attracted to you, so there’s no need for the awkwardness.

What bothers me is that women’s sexuality is seen as being dependent on men and their genitals with no autonomy or preferences. The real danger that lies in identifying as a lesbian is not discrimination which is expected but the male's ego. Rejection is never an easy thing for some. There are those who will walk away, there are those who see it acceptable to sexual harass and assault a woman if she does not respond and comply with advances. I have seen it all firsthand. After which the guilt card is played, Do you know what God thinks about your wicked lifestyle? Of course, seven years in a Catholic school is all it takes to instill fear into anyone.

But how do you deny who you are? You don't!

Lesbianism is not erotic, it’s not a fantasy and I am sure it’s not a disease. It’s a sexual orientation and does not define who you are as a person. It should be respected and taken seriously.

Introduction into "The J Spot"

Let's get a little acquainted,

Hello everyone, I created this blog as part of an assignment for my Communication Via Social Networking class at College of Science Technology and Applied Art of Trinidad and Tobago (COSTAATT) where I am pursuing my BA in Mass Communication studies. I have no experience at blogging and I feel somewhat intimidated since I'm usually a very quiet and reserved individual.

Firstly my two previous ideas were dismissed by my lecturer who thought they were boring. I guess he's right; who wants to talk about the environment or even wants to get closer to coworkers after a eight hours or more day, right?

 My blog addresses the issue of the L word, no not love. Guess again. Okay, let's talk about it Lesbianism.

I choose lesbianism because I was running out of ideas. Just kidding. 

The aim of the project is to do something I am familiar with or something interest me. 

I know there can be many backlash because of the subject matter and there will be those who would be quick to dish out the scriptures.  But everyone's "normal" is not the same. 

However, I am not trying to plant seeds or convert anyone at all. 

This blog is intended to shred some light on topics such as dating, love, parenthood, health, life stories and many more. I will share some personal experiences as well.

We might even have a movie night...Who knows...

Take a moment to understand, I promise I won't be that bad here on the Lezline.