Only God Can Judge Us Part 2

Source: Google

I have a religious conviction that needs reevaluation because with spirituality and sexuality there is a constant clash that a person’s religious belief must take precedent over their sexual desires. And why should that be?

I haven't written much about my partner; she too is struggling with her religious belief and sexuality.

Whenever anything goes awry she would blame it on the fact that we are “living a life of sin.” It is exasperating, the more we fight it, the more we hurt ourselves. And for what? To please the hypocrites that swear we are all connected, but point fingers at us and say, no you can't be included, you are gay. So what! 

As I witnessed her going through the motions, questioning it, denying she’s a homosexual; I distant myself from her to confront her demons.  

I do get angry because it seems as though we are wasting time, pretending to be contented while she’s sorting herself out, we are imbalance.

Is that a selfish way to think?

I understand she has to resolve her personal and spiritual relationships but in the meanwhile do we remain stagnant. Am I insensitive? Can’t we just live and let live?

In a recent discussion I coaxed her to disregard "this lifestyle" if it makes her unhappy. Offering to accompany her to the Monastery at Mount Saint Benedict for blessings, since she thought that would help. Of course, she misinterpreted my encouragement as a nonchalant escape plan; that I had found someone and was prepared to moving on with my life.  Which is the furthest thing from the truth.

I am looking out for her best interest and my sanity. Her self hate is intolerable and unacceptable.

I see some much of myself in her that I am willing to help her through, without us being involved. One of the hardest things to do; pretend all we shared was meaningless and forgettable. But then again, being a closeted lesbian, we are good at resistance and suppression.

Source: Google

It’s divided, one moment she’s all "for Jesus" and spewing the contempt fed to her saying, "gay people should consider changing their life and refrain from their deeds, then the next moment she's "we're so good together, I don't know what I would have done without you."

So we go back and forth; lately she's not bothered, realizing the truth, she is being taught to loath herself and the people who are condoning homosexuals are no better than us. 

God is forgiving.  

From my interactions with other lesbians, sexuality doesn't make a person less spiritual or religious. Lesbianism does not defer us from having a relationship with the Most High whoever He or She is.

The Curtains Are Coming Down

This is my final entry; thanks to all those who visited my blog within the past fifteen weeks. Although I fell short of some issues I wanted to address it was a very interesting journey. Thanks to all those who shared their experiences with me. I hope you enjoyed all that I shared. 
So my last post and I decided not to go out with a bang, but instead in a slow burning flame. Think I should have done a poetry blog, give The Word Korner a run for her money...Kidding!

Source: Google Image

You will never know

In this moment we’re in darkness

Dogmas, can I lose my conviction?

 When I gaze at her there are no miscalculations,

The perfect tangle of each strand of hair locked into fleece braids,

The golden-brown complexion of her skin, even her scars are flawless

In her almond eyes lay mirages of sunsets and tidal waves

Blissful and fury

Do you know what it feels like to make love to sadness?

 Sincerity

Taste lips, 

The essence of penitent never flowed in the stream of our uncanny desires

 I stayed waiting, listening for her voice to resonate like trumpets, 

All I heard are murmurs, silent echoes in the breeze,

She whispers; don’t worry even the winds rattle

We don’t need ascension

Sentimental language flee her orifice,

 “I don’t care I want this”

The world doesn’t control our hearts;

Behind curtains we are our world

The day she’s reveal, the cloak will fall,

Exposed

No vulnerability, no condemnation

Tell her soul to scream

All we want is to live freely

Collaboration- Relationship Rules

Rules are everywhere, at work, school, at home and in the wider society. Some we follow, some we break. When it pertain a relationship rules creates a merger of two person’s culture and nature. Most rules are unspoken yet they define what is considered as acceptable and unacceptable. It influence how well we relate to our partner, how well you we handle intimacy, deal with emotions and react to conflict or misunderstandings There are fundamental rules to follow always communicate and be honest.  Many times people don’t know how to distinguish the past and carry ill feelings from previous relationships into current ones which hinders an individual ability to progressive into new, healthy and worthwhile relationships.

Take from Google images

I asked my classmate and blogger of Relationship Rules Dominique Fernandes what are some reasons that cause relationships to fail besides lack of trust, infidelity, communication, abuse and financial woes being the main culprits of sabotage. Her response was lying, the fact that persons lose their individuality when they enter a relationship and sometimes persons just get bored and lack interest in continuing a relationship.

Source Google images

Another reason relationships fail is the difference in desires and goals. If one or both partners are not in tune with the other it is difficult to build better relationships as one person will always be "out of the loop" with the other, this doesn’t strengthen the bond that couples are supposed to be building.

In relations to my blog context, a  same sex relationship, namely woman to woman although the reasons highlighted above are key players in the failure of any personal union, there are a few I have aligned specifically to lesbian relationships.

Source- Google images

The impulsivity of commitment; lesbians tend to rush into relationships too quickly, without taking time to resolve their last relationship like they are always on the prowl for a romanticized fix.

Being too needy, there’s nothing wrong with wanting to be with your partner all the time but sometimes all that closeness is suffocating, sometimes you lose yourself in the person which is damaging.

Overly emotional, since communication is superb we have a propensity to react to small things too quickly; sometimes you just don’t want to talk about it. Not wanting to talk initiates rapid questions, Are you okay? What are you thinking? How do you feel? Are you mad at me? Why are you in a mood? What is your problem? Are you going to cry?  Did something happen? Are you sad? Expect to be asked are you okay and are you mad at me repeatedly. Every decision is processed overbearingly. Every feeling is analyzed and every emotion is scrutinized too lengths. Fights are antagonistic silence or provoking pointless arguments.

Pressure of homophobia within one self; especially if you are in a relationship with an individual who’s not open about their sexuality, who repeatedly denies the existence of the relationship, this will often leave a partner feeling hurt, insecure, and unloved. The pressure of homophobia is based on fear and uncertainty.

Whether it is a heterosexual or same sex affair, we don't getting into relationships with the intention of it failing but they often do for many different reasons. Relationships can last a long time once there is mutual understanding, respect and patience. 

You don’t need to lose yourself in someone else’s identity; be open, communicate your wants and desires. The key is to figure out how to solve the problems in your relationship and mend it.

For more tips on relationships visit Relationship Rules.

FORGIVING MYSELF

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A Nigerian therapist once said to my ex-girlfriend who suffers from clinic depression that women in Trinidad has too much freedom that’s why we are immoral and practice lesbianism and my thoughts were why you don’t go back to Nigeria  because you too are enjoying our freedom.  We’re judged.

Visiting a doctor (not the usual family doctor because the family doctor doesn’t understand confidentiality, my mother will know I made a visit and for what) for a check-up.

 The doctor asked “How many men have you had sex with this year?”

 When I responded none, she gazed at me strangely and ask, “So why are you testing for HIV and STDs?”  My heart decided to catapult into my stomach and my hands started to shake when I said because I had sexual relations with women. She wrote in her notepad. It was too awkward, doctor visits are not supposed to be that difficult. After she said, “You don’t look gay, maybe I could recommend you to someone you can talk too.” 

We’re prejudged.

I said, “That’s not necessary; just call me when my results are ready.”

Everyone has something to say; all of a sudden the moral police are on patrol.

There is so much shame associated with being gay some I am consciously aware of. I have accepted that I have internalized problems with being a lesbian.

 A perfect example involves this anonymous blog and Facebook when friends from high school or college sends a friend request I immediately think my privacy will be invaded now I have to coach myself; do not like that page, Girl on Girl Documentary, do not like that picture of Kris Hill or any androgynous females who may shows up in my

Source Google. Androgynous female

timeline and what if they see that I am a member of the Pink Triangle  and quite a few lesbian groups thinking about the whole “outing” process; sometimes I simply desist from add them. Needless to say, I will add a strange woman if she sends a friend request and we have a few friends in common, she's a queer sister. I  also know I can easily change the settings but I enjoy being difficult at times; being watchful makes me exhausted. It takes so much energy than it’s worth to deal with “You used to be such a nice girl how come you I turned out this way”

Clearly I am an over thinker and probably I have missed opportunities for friendships  due to my reluctance to befriend a person based on a preconceived judgment I made about them. But can you blame me?

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So why am I telling you all this?

I have decided its time to forgive myself for all my indiscretions and embrace the world without hesitation, without presuming people, without limiting myself. I have finally stopped caring as much what people think. Obviously, if someone vocally shares that they are a bigot towards me best believe, I will keep my distance

I forgive myself for this defective thinking. I should not feel shame.

Final Movie-The World Unseen

A woman’s need to be freed from culture and tradition give us The World Unseen.  It’s a story of forbidden love set in South Africa when apartheid has just become the law of the land. Segregation is not only limited to blacks and whites, but also extends to coloured and Indians. The ultimate goal for women is to be provided a good match for a husband, have children, keep house, and cook well. A successful wife is a subservient one. This film provides commentary on everything from the oppression of marriage, rape, and sexism in Indian culture to racism in South African society.

The protagonist, Amina, wants a different life. She dresses in men clothes in which she feels the most comfortable. She owns a business with a coloured and she does not care what anyone thinks of her. It’s all about defiance

 Miriam is submissive to her controlling, chauvinistic, cheating husband, Omar and two children. When her husband allows her to travel to the café one day, Miriam meets Amina and because of Amina’s unusual decorum Miriam is intrigued by her resilience from first glance. (These are the same actresses from I can’t think straight, this was their first movie together; so the chemistry was intense)

Scene from the movie The World Unseen.

Miriam and her family were new to the country and Amina offers to build a garden in her yard and used the experience to get to know Miriam. They bonded over tea, while discussing her grandmother (a rape victim who was thrown out of the family) and the oppression of marriage and apartheid. When Amina hints at her sexuality, testing the waters, Miriam is caught off guard and conflicted.

Amina’s nonconformist attitude peak at a family dinner her traditional grandmother orchestrated to showcase Amina as a marriage prospect.  In the movie Amina is portrayed as a feminist heroine who defied the police, mix the white and Indians and socialized with her coloured workers she even protected Miriam’s visiting sister-in-law from arrest.

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Through Amina’s rebellions for law and rules Miriam’s defiance and strength began to surface when she tries to save an injured African man. However, her husband doesn’t share her progressive attitudes. He becomes paranoia and threatened her with violence. It’s funny how her husband’s infidelity is just shrugged off with a, “how could you?”

Amina offered Miriam a job as a cook at her café and her husband refused saying her place is home with him and the children and she doesn’t know how to drive; again Amina offered her service to the family. The sexual tension and chemistry heightened as long glances give way to lingering touches,  as an impromptu driving instructor, Amina stole kisses while Miriam fumbled for third gear. The husband becomes more furious that they were spending so much time together.

From this moment forward Amina’s boldness came across to strong for Miriam as it forced her to choose, love for her family and her place in the world as she knows it. Amina asked Miriam to run away with her and she will provide for her and children Miriam declined, stating she’s not gay. Amina is heartbroken. This movie does not flatters to the homosexual agenda, Miriam stayed where she belonged with her husband as tradition and custom has to be respected; however she defies her husband’s rules and accepts the job as a cook at Amina’s café. I was hoping she will leave her husband. Oh well.

Another key story line to follow is Amina’s business partner Jacob who is in love with the Post lady but because of the “white only” rules they can’t be together, it was against the law. The world unseen is a wonderful, meaningful and sometimes humorous movie that explores  relationships that were once taboo  and displays how Miriam’s relationship with Amina empowers her to make personal choices that changed her world, I think this is a great movie to do a critical analysis paper on there are so many aspects divulge.
For more review of The world unseen

Are you kidding me?

Source: Google images

When people ask, do you ever wish you were straight? Most times I ignore the question or change the topic.

Today, I thought how best I can respond to this question, God knows I will be lying if I said no.  I took a moment and gazed through the telescope of a heterosexual, back when I was hopelessly trying to hoax myself to feeling emotions by channeling my “straight side”.  My desire for “straightness” was greater than the thirst of a dying woman lost in the dessert searching for water.  Of course, I wished I was straight; being treated as a second class citizen with a contagious disease is not a pleasurable feeling.

Just look at all the wonderful benefits of being heterosexual

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Men are everywhere more than gay women

There is free association

No one ever questions your carnal charges; your sex sells everything

You can have babies even if you don’t want them

You get to publicly display affection that won’t disgust anyone

Your marriage is legal

The church isn’t out to get you

And, oh yes, that spot you applied for in “heaven”, it's booked

The world is yours to take

If you haven’t realized I am being cynical

Do I wish I was straight?  No. If no, explain why?

Image taken from Google

It never truly fulfilled me. I went through a spell of depression because I wished for something that couldn’t be changed just like that fact that my eyes are brown and my hair is wavy. Living as someone I was not turned into a scenarios of, be very careful of what you wish for, it may just come true. Mentally, I feel scarred. I am not a man hater but there’s nothing within a man that ever had the power to comfort me.

So my answer is, no. Now I don’t wished I was straight. I am contented and perfectly fine being me.

 Since we all know the plan and design, why ask me this inappropriate question? I will never be so inconsiderable to inquire if you wished you were gay. See how stupid that sounds.  I have no problem with my sexuality which by the way has no definition on my personality or even my characteristics.  If being straight validates a person’s snobbish attitude towards homosexuals, if being straight is a way to measure someone’s worth; I don’t want it! And keep your superficial judgments as well!

Happy being me! 

What I think about The L Word

The mother of all lesbian series, The L Word.

I reminisce December 12^th, 2011, never mind how I remembered the exact date. Okay, it was the first time I met my first official girlfriend whom I met online. About two weeks ago when my lecturer was discussing online dating and my classmates were bashing the idea, claiming its not really dating or what will the people  who date online do without social media I sat there and thought oh my god will you all shut up! We will go out and find someone the old fashion way; technology has just made it trouble-free and less costly to date; now we can stay at home and not waste money and time on monotonous dates and incompatible individuals. Next!

Image Source: Google

Anyway back to my introduction of The L word (2002-2009)

I took the day off from work and school; this was “our” day. At that time I denied that I was gay; she took out her collection of The L word, and said "I think this might help you understand who you are."

We spent all day indulging on the series. I never saw the series before; growing up in a conservative household I was not exposed to those types of TV shows.

So what I learnt from the series is, there is a world I can fit into and claim my sexuality; and the internalized homophobia I had in me what was kept me depressed.    The L Word covered a wide range of topics (coming out, parenting, fertility options, marriage, depression, straight women, friendship) and also showcased the different type of queer women (fem, butch etc) as well as issues affecting the lesbian community. 
While most of the series was done in good taste and took viewers through an emotional world pool, there was a lot of promiscuity, infidelity and stigmatizing that bestows the community. The gender queers character, Max ( a woman going through the process to become a man} was very complex story to follow.

Although the L word helped be understand many things about lesbianism and opening some comprehension and conversation of my sexuality, I have a love/hate view on the series; one, I hated the theme song and I loathed Jenny’s character; I love the series because it’s balanced and not overdone. 

Image taken from Google. Bette

As entertaining as the series was and only character I loved throughout the all the seasons was Bette (favourite and consistent character) and Tasha who was introduced in later seasons (finally a black character, unfortunately she just gratified the stereotypes of the mean, sensible black woman) each character story is different and worth following.

Image source, Google. Tasha

I will think for a series like this that brought awareness of lesbianism in a wide context it would have been more inclusive but then again it’s just a show and that might have been boring.  The characters are beautiful, however I don’t understand why Shane's character was the ultimate girl magnet, she is the least bit sexy. 

Source: Google. Shane!

Let’s talk about the chart, okay so everyone needs to be conscious of their sexual history and past relationship but documenting it and placing it on a wall is a little far fetch. 

Image source: Google Alice from The L word. Now this is social
networking.

There was humor and confusion throughout all the seasons even if the characters were not relevant there was always something to empathize with. There are talks of a return in 2016, if this is true I am patiently waiting; I really want to know who killed Jenny Schecter.

Image source: Google

And the woman I met online was right after viewing The L word I was able to understand more about lesbian culture.