Movies...the curiosity

“In love, one and one equal one.”

The movie starts with this line and if you walk into a room full of lesbians and say those words it’s like taking a breath of fresh air because everyone will exhale. Ha!

 The movie is film in the context of a documentary where real people share real stories of how they met their significant other. Do you believe in soulmates? Maybe…

Elena is a beautiful, soft-spoken woman. She’s married to the preacher (of joy) and they’re trying for another child, a subject that her husband seems much keener on than Elena. Peyton is a lesbian novelist who has just lost her mother.  Peyton and Elena first saw each other at an adoption orientation as they both wanted to add a baby to their lives. From the start the two had a glistening chemistry.

Peyton came out to Elena almost immediately after having drinks on a candlelit porch. Elena not wanting to be the overly righteous preacher's wife goes overboard trying to show her support, insisting that she’s comfortable with Peyton and that she voted “the right way” on gay marriages which her husband is campaigning against.

As a means to stay connected to each other the women started socializing under the pretenses of working together as a writer and photographer. From there the sexual tension builds and this scares Elena a bit, but excites her enough to continue seeing Peyton.

Oh my overly curious preacher’s wife who wants to have her cake and eat it too.

Peyton overwhelmed by her emotions began writing Elena these tacky love letters. Elena’s teenage son stumbled upon the letters and he was devastated now she was forced to put her feelings into perspective. Elena never genuinely bothered that she was a married woman having an affair and as the preacher's wife whom you will think should know better.  

The relationship between her and Peyton flourished.

There’s a long kiss between the two women. A very long kiss that’s over three minutes long. It's not a porn movie, so it was tastefully done and fitting within the context of the story.

Google image

There is a believable romance; there is longing, and their forbidden love manifested. Elena didn’t immediately tell her husband is somewhat believable and wouldn’t be out of character for Elena. 

The husband eventually finds out only because a meddling, anti-gay churchgoer sees Elena and Peyton kissing in the park and immediately goes and tells Pastor Husband. 

Somehow I didn’t feel compassionate towards her husband he was too opinionated.

The scenes of the movie had relevant life comparisons and scenarios.

It’s not one of those happily ever after story Peyton and Elena separated. Elena divorced her husband. Six months later Peyton and Elena ran into each other in a park and rekindled their romance. Elena was pregnant via sperm donor.

Now they get to be happily in love lesbians with a baby too so it was a happily ever after movie!

The only thing that ruins this movie for me is the "love guru" who was a little corny at times otherwise Elena Undone is beautifully craft movie that just makes you want to believe in soulmates.

Only God can Judge Me

There was never a moment in my life I made a conscious choice to be a lesbian. Having struggled with my sexual identity for a very long and a strong conviction in God, I had convinced myself that my soul will be eternally damned. It’s what I was taught growing up in a Christian household. 

Sitting in church listening to the Pastor preach about Sodom and Gomorrah's destruction; the fire and brimstone, I didn’t want that to be my fate.

I know being gay and a Christian is a contradiction, as it goes against everything the Bible stands for.

 I thought my feelings were a problem and I was ashamed of it. I often thought there must be a way I can be cured.  So I confessed my struggled to one of the youth ministers because I wanted to follow the right path. 
We had pray sessions and Bible study. He would say repent, refrain from acting on my feelings; be in the world but not of world and I absorbed it all, believing it all.  Pray changes everything.

He painted the picture that because of who I am my entire life will be cursed. I did not want to live in a world where I would not be able to love, or have romantic relationships or a family, that sadness made me vulnerable; trusting of him. He is a man of the cloth destine for heaven one of the chosen etc and all that goodness, everything he said made sense and who else would I have chosen to guide me on the right path but a shepherd of the church. 

Religion is really the opium of the masses. And a man will and always be just a man

He made sexual advances; truthfully I deliberated it as part of the process to rid my spirit of the sinful homosexual urges because he’s a man.

I quickly came to my senses. Here he was, a man who is supposed to be an exemplar preying on my misfortune trying to convince me that a sexual connection with him will “fix” me. 

I was desperate but not that desperate.

Why is other sins acceptable except homosexuality? Committing adultery is okay and can be overlooked, right? I spoke to myself and concluded there will be no fixing or curing.

However, when I became very ill with pneumonia honestly I believed this was my punishment for forsaking and wavering on my spirituality for the “wicked” thoughts and deeds. So I did what any good Christian will do and pleaded with God for forgiveness and I swore to change my life and devote myself more to the church.  

This is the continuous war between my spirituality and my sexuality. I have regrouped my thoughts and accepted what can not be altered and focus on what is.

This should not even be a battle, God knows my heart. He knew who I am before I was even here. And it is said that God doesn't make mistakes. So there is nothing wrong with me. What more is expected of me I have tried to resist all temptation the best way I can. I have denied myself to satisfy other people, now I desire happiness and comfort, and I am.

Whenever people ask me if I believe in God, I humbly say yes. There is nothing to be said that I don’t already know.  And if the only weapon to be used against me are rewritten verses reconsider the ammunition. 

As a human being who can truthfully say they life their complete life govern by every commandment and every word to whatever religious affiliation they are associated with, the answer will be no. All we can do is try our best to life an honest life.

I am a Christian that’s my faith; I’m a lesbian that’s my sexual orientation. Although it seems like a contradiction I am living a life of wholeness and gratitude for all God has done. Only God can judge me.

My Gay Mother

Love makes a family-Image taken from Google

I was watching the movie The kids are alright and I remembered the way my first girlfriend's son used to look at us. I never thought he understood. I never thought he was "alright". 
I decided to ask him how he felt about his mom being a lesbian.

Of course I seek her permission. At first she was a little spketical since she has never inquired about his thought on her sexual orientation. 

She too was curious to his responses.  Honestly, it was a challenge. I did not want him to feel uncomfortable so I assured him if he doesn't want to answer he doesn't have too. 

Do you think your family is acceptable?

It’s difficult to speak about this topic because I love my mother and father. I am taught that men are women are supposed to be together and raise children together but I live with my mom and her girlfriend. I don't feel awkward about it, every family is different. We do things that families do together, go out, play games, help out with chores around the house. To the people who don't know us it will be unacceptable, two women raising children but I don't see it being a problem. Having a gay mom is not a big deal. She teaches me about taking care of myself and other things. She never hide anything from me. I might ask her a question and she might take awhile to answer but she always do. She is always there when I need her. People are making a great fuss about what a family is. A family comprises of people who love and care about you. I am loved by everyone.

My mother’s sexual orientation does not make her a bad human being. She’s not a horrible person. Her sexuality is something beyond her control.  When I was seven we had a discussion about sexuality, that was before my mom told me who she was and before she introduced me to the lady she was dating at that time. I am glad she was honest with me and we had that conversation.

Google Image

I am not ashamed of mom but I don’t tell people that she’s gay because of ignorance. I saw a show where a boy was beaten because his father was gay, I am afraid for my mom sometimes. A lot of people hate gays. It is unfair to treat people inhumane because they are not like you. The only way any one will know my mother is a lesbian is if she willingly say so. 
Sometimes my grandmother (my mother’s mom) says horrible things and won’t talk to my mother for days. I think she’s selfish because she acts as though she wants me to hate my mother and that's when I feel agitated and depressed. When I am upset, she blames my mother saying she's destroying my life. But my grand mother has not rejected my mother because she's her child. Parents should love their children no matter who they are, children should honor their parents.

When I see children out with their mother and father I don't wish that was me. 

I have a good relationship with my father he never tries to turn me against my mother. He says things that are inappropriate about her and make it into a joke and I remind him that words hurts. My father goes to church every Sunday. He tells me my mother life is not right, nothing about being gay is right and ask me to beg my mom to come back to God. I tell her, she say she and God talks every day He's okay with her.  

In life everyone has a different path to follow until they find what they are searching for. I believe she has not lost her connection with God every morning I see her praying and reading from the Bible. 

How do you feel about your mother's current partner?
At first I didn't like her.  I gave a lot of trouble. Fought with her son and told my parents lies so that she will go away. But she was still very nice to me. We started having conversations and I realized she is down to earth and I had no reason for my behaviour. She's a chef so whenever we are at home, we experiment with new recipes, baking, things like that. She makes my mom happy.

He added, at times I wonder why anyone would want to be someone everyone tells you to hate. No one will intentionally want to be the most hated person in the world. I put myself in my mom's shoes and even in auntie Jay's shoes (his mother's partner). I wouldn't want anyone casting judgment and hating me. Maybe it affects my mother but she never shows it. My family is different because I am raised by two women but that's the only thing that's different.

I don’t feel different I know I’m cared for by my mother she loves me and my love for her can never be broken. 

There is only thing that I will love to see, my mom dressed up in heel and some make up.

She burst into laughter, " NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN.”

My mother is happy and who she loves is no one’s business. It really doesn't matter to me; she’s my mother I am not ashamed or hate her because the rest of the world is taught too.When I look at her all I see is a beautiful, caring person, my mother.

(11year old Timothy)

Lesbian parents...just parents!

Like any other relationship that blossom into something deeper partners feel the need for a child or children. Some time ago my partner and I had "the talk" where we discussed becoming parents. She is prepared to go through the treatment for insemination and so forth. We want to keep the bloodline as close as possible. We have communicated this with a male relative on my side of the family to be a possible donor. He is still in consideration. We chose not to go through the route of adoption because of politics behind it. Just the other morning I read a comment from a newspaper's Facebook page where someone said,

“Same sex couples adopting children would promote a nation of sick minds. These innocent children would think that homosexuality is normal. The adults may eventuality indulge the innocent children into the sickness”

Utter foolishness! What does a person's sexual orientation have to do with being good parents? Absolutely nothing. I called my friends Jessie and Lisa and asked if the saw the news report on adoption and same sex couples and they shared their views on the parenting as a same sex couple.

Image taken from Google

 Both women had a child from a previous relationship.

Jessie made it sternly clear, " I just want to let you know the kids are alright." Lisa agreed.

Jessie the more talkative of the two added “Why shouldn't we be allowed to have children? People have this misconception that the children won’t grow up normal and that’s a really stupid thing to say. Do all heterosexual parents’ children grow up to be prefect respectable citizens, no? I believe everyone is entitled to bring children into this world as long as they are going to be loving and responsible parents. It is highly ridiculous that there are debates on homosexuals being parents. We provide, we love and care for our children, they know right from wrong, we look out for our children’s best interest like other responsible parents would. The point of the matter is it’s about the genuine intentions of being the best parents to these children. We teach the children the same values as heterosexual couples; respect each other, don’t judge people and believe it or not our children do have a relationship with the Creator. Societies problem is only focus on who we share our beds with at night and who we love and that has nothing to do with parenting.

 I asked about exhibiting physical affection in the presence of the children whether or not this behavior confuses the children.

“They are aware that we are in relationship however we don’t display any sort of physical affection around them.”

I was curious as to why they shied away from showing affection in their children's presence?

Lisa answered “They are at a stage where they are impressionable and ask questions, even though they know mommy and auntie are “together” we don’t showcase our sexuality.We hug that’s about it; there is a time and place for everything.”

What about at school have there been any instant of discrimination?

“My children never had an instant of discrimination from anyone. I am always on guard though; you know how insensitive people can be, children and even adults. I enforce in my son that people are going to say things to you to hurt you but you have to know how to react to it. I tell him let it fall on deaf ear, ignore them. Everyone is entitled to an opinion. However, we don’t compensate bad behavior you do wrong, you will be punish even if that punishment means no television or toys being taken away” Lisa says.

Does your relationship have any effect on your children education?

“Academically they are brilliant.” Jessie says, “My son’s teacher thinks he is a budding writer and she's encouraging him to take part in the school's creative writing competition. My other son is good at athletics, we signed him up in a club. He’s eight but I can see that he has great potential to be a world class athlete.”

What type of relationship do you have with your children’s father?

Jesse explained  “Everyone is fairly cooperative; they see their son’s whenever they want there are no restrictions. At first there was a problem with Lisa’s son’s father. He was verbally abusive towards me. He threatened to file for custody of his son but Lisa and I managed to convinced him we are taking good care (JB) we’re not confusing him with our sexuality. We tell him what’s appropriate, if he asks a question we give him an appropriate answer. The father of my son (CL) just asked that Lisa does not discipline his son as he wants to be the one to discipline him. I am the same way if his girlfriend has a problem with CL I want to be the one to rectify it she's not allow to discipline him.  Although it's like that the boys know being disrespectful to any adult is not tolerated if they are they have to deal with the consequences of their actions. We have meetings to discuss the children well being often. We work together as a family for the well being of the children. We stay out of each others personal relationships, as long as it involves the children we support each other. There is diversity because the fathers are involved, the things I can't teach my son his dad is there to teach him and vice verse. We encourage discussion with the boys on their thoughts and feelings. They are fine”

What else do you want to say about being lesbians parents?

Image taken from Google

We are parents. The same concerns heterosexuals have about their children we do too. Children of heterosexuals falters as well, bullied, develop learning disabilities, have attitude problems but who do we blame that on? Surely not the sexual orientation of the parents. We teach our children the same morals 'do unto others as you will have them do unto you.' Does that sound horrible to you? We are honest and they do understand, they are happy and healthy children. We take pleasure in being parents and love our sons unconditionally.

DATE...AT YOUR RISK!

Trinidad is such a close knit society the likelihood of meeting a woman who likes women casually on the street is like finding that pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. Of course females catches my eyes while on the move but never would I jump out of character and approach; Trinidad is no Paris!

Dating is different for everyone.

Image taken from Google

Some women are reserved and prefer to go through the route of online dating (Facebook, BBM, Whatsapp TAGGED) and other online avenues. These resources are full of groups and forums. If luck shines upon you, finding someone in your area may be just one click away.  

Online dating is not always safe so taking time to protect yourself is a matter of common sense to ensure your safety. On some of these sites men post as women with a profile picture and everything to trick you. Thirsty!

There are other forms of networking such as clubs, art galleries, work, which is not a very good idea for many, many reasons; at church, yes I said it. A close friend of mine actually met her first girlfriend in church.

So I asked a few ladies how do you they meet women?
 Rachel was generous to share one of her avenues.

" I met her on B-chat.  Strangely enough she knew people I knew. (Small world) We messaged each other often, we had real good conversations . We also had a lot of things in common. I am addicted to video games. I love God of War, Grand Theft Auto and FIFA 14 and she's a gamer as too so we clicked. Then we met, hmm!  She was not what I expected. Physically I was not attracted to her but I did not want seem shallow so I dating her for awhile and things just was not working out for me. We are much better at being friends."

I thought meeting someone through a B-chat was peculiar Joanne dating method was the strangest I have ever heard of.

“My first girlfriend I found her in the classified personal ad Match making service.”

The classified, who would have thought certainly not me.

Image taken from Google

“I called the number  and asked the operator if they do matches for same sex couples and he said yes. He gave me a number and I called. She was very articulate and funny we spoke for four months over the phone before we actually met. When we finally met there was no awkwardness whatsoever. We started a relationship that lasted two years.”

My first thought on dating through this method, is safety; especially with the reputation of Trinidad’s society.

There are those who are as reserve as I am and had a friend play match maker.

Meeting people that are compatible takes time and effort.

Stacy

“How did I meet her? Hmm, I told a male friend of mine I was ready to meet someone but I don’t know where to go or  how to even start. I know I did not want to do the online dating thing. He knows a lot of people and I trusted him because he knows my personality and my type. Within a week he said I have someone who I think you will adore and he gave me her number. At first I was skeptical,  but it turned out she is everything I expected. I am not openly gay and neither is she. We were both nervous on the first date, we went to the movie. We saw “For coloured Girl” we were in a total mess, everything felt uncomfortable and we were clumsy because of the nervousness. No one made the first move I guess we were both wondering what the first move was! But by the time the third date came around all the jitters had vanished. So far the relationship is steady I love it. We are protective of each other.  When it comes to dating people choose avenues that are suited for them.”

Then there are the brave ones who on any given day will march up to an attractive woman and compliment her whether the recipient responds with disgust, bewilderment, politeness or curiosity.

Image taken from Google

Jassy:

I was at a "back in time" party and she was standing at the bottom of the stairs, she asked me if I had a pin or something because the strap of her shoe had just bust loose. I did not have a pin but my purse is like a tool box I found a paper clip and hooked the two straps together. Innovative, I think so. We ended up partying together and exchanged numbers. I felt an attraction for her. I was not sure about her sexuality but I took the risk and told her  I was interested in her. I thought she would have rejected me. When she did not speak to me for awhile I didn't feel crushed or anything. I sent messages and called when she answered, said she was consumed with family issues. I counted my loses; then about two weeks after she called and asked if I want to meet for drinks. I inquired about what I said about me being interested. She said she was not gay. I respected that. But then she sent me this really long message saying something about me was intriguing. One thing led to another and we starting dated. I would pick her up from work, take her to class... lo and behold I found out she had a boyfriend, that kind of killed it for me. “

Image taken from Google

The truth of lesbian dating the community is so small and you might meet someone who knows all five of your exes and have dated all five of your exes. Okay not all five, at least three. You are acquainted with all the types. The players,the meet today tell you they love you tomorrow types,  the long term relationship types,  the friends with benefits types and of course the straight girl experimental types. And that's the trouble with dating in general there is no difference to heterosexuals dating.

Lesbians meet anywhere and everywhere randomly and intentionally.

A DIFFERENT MIX OF MOVIES

The joy of dating outside your race is the fact that you are introduced to interesting things you would not have known about like food, artifacts, traditions, languages and movies.

Surely I would not have ever watched the movie Fire

Image taken from Google images

Its story of frustrated desires, love starved women and the bonds of tradition make. 

Two Indian women are forced into typical arranged marriage with joint family arrangement to two brothers and their mother in law find solace in each other because of their absence husband.

From the start, there is trouble between Sita and her husband, Jatin.  Three days into their marriage, on their honeymoon at the Taj Mahal and listening to a guide tell the love story that led to its construction; Sita is asking, ''Don't you like me?''

Throughout the movie Sita tried to provoke some emotion from her husband who showed little interest in her or in being married all the while he’s dating a Chinese woman. Sita does not rebuke him for fear that it may bring dishonour to her parents.

Radha the older wife is barren. Her husband Ashok is a disciple of a swami who preaches resistance to temptation, and the couple have been celibate for 13 years.

Thirteen years!

These men were got what they deserved. The movie just shows how men are guided by their self-interest.

Being shunned by their husbands, incited by their feelings and driven to desperation by their unfulfilled longings, Radha and Sita confiding in each other their loneliness.  As time passed the two women realise their love for each other and they started seeking ways to move out and be on their own.

The feminist message I comprehend from Fire was women independence and not being constraint by the roles assigned to them by religion.  The two women assert their independence.

Radha and Sita go through the motions wavering between their desires and disappointments. Radha, the older woman, remained bound by tradition and subdued into silence while Sita refused to accept misfortune and wished to break free.

Image taken from Google

The servant Mundu however became aware of the relationship between Sita and Radha and told Ashok Rahda’s husband. He walks in on women horrified and confronted Radha.

The confrontation led Radha to finally overcome her subservience and dispel her emotions and desire for Sita because she wants to live.  Thirteen years of celibacy and absence, go on what do you expect? She suggested that if Ashok seeks to control desires then he should seek Swamiji's help and stop the ritual.

Amid the argument, Radha's sari caught fire. Ashok stepped out of the way and angrily watched her burn (for her sinful desires references to the fiery trials of purity imposed upon Sita, the wife of Rama in the ''Ramayana,''). Radha puts out the flames and she left Ashok.

This film suggested its climax, the two women ended up together.

Image taken from Google images

It all started when Camille’s dog dies and she accidentally picked up the wrong clothes at the laundromat; the clothes belonged to Petra. Camille returns them to Petra's workplace, an avant-garde circus in an empty warehouse where Petra confesses that she switched them on purpose so she could seduce Camille. 

Just being out of context Petra is hot- I wonder why these things do not happen in real life. When night is falling is one of those movies that open your eyes.

Anyway on with the story Petra begins following Camille.   It seems like a highly improbable match, where extreme opposites often fall in love despite the understanding that they probably would never work out in real life and that makes it interesting. Camille is as a professor of mythology.

Camille struggles with the idea of being perceived as gay as much as she struggles with her self-identity and religious doctrine.  Her attraction to Petra revolved around her telling her fiancé about the affair. She confessed to the reverend that she is confused by her attraction to Petra. Camille does not seem to be conflicted about engaging in what she had previously believed was a sin that is engaging in what the church would consider sinful behaviour by sleeping with her fiancé prior to marriage.

The story is told through recurring visual imagery like white light and people flying through the air. The chemistry between the two actresses is palpable and viewers certainly find themselves rooting for the star crossed-lovers.  As night is falling is a fairly light and romantic movie.

The character of Petra is played by a woman of colour begs the question of whether her race is supposed to see as “exotic”. In Camille’s eyes Petra was perceived as the circus “freak” and then her unabashed sexuality comes to mind. I thought of sad comparison of Sara Baartman, the African woman who was kept naked and caged as a circus act in Europe during the early 1800’s, condemned to display what the white culture believed to be the inherent sexual lasciviousness of black.  

Still it is refreshing to see a woman of colour characterized as a confident and seemingly feminist.

 

Image taken from Google images

In one scene when caught by the Reverend in a compromising position with Petra, Camille lies to him and says that Petra is a street kid who is highly disturbed. Petra overhears the offensive comment she is disgusted and is next shown back at the circus highly upset. But when Camille comes to her that night the comments are not discussed by the two.

When Night is Falling has a refined visual beauty that developed the love story into one that is heart- warming and charming. The emotional center is sound.   The film is absorbing, sensible with a little humor. 

Empty closet vs Full closet

Photo taken from Google images

One day I was sitting at work when around nine a.m I received a phone call from a woman. Let's call her Nicole. She sounded very professional addressing me by my full name and I immediately thought, she was a telemarketer or someone trying to sell me insurance, so I was a little annoyed until she said, she received my number from a mutual friend. 

I was shocked so I remained silent, let her do all the talking, she kept asking are you there? Is there anything you wanted to ask, I said no because our mutual friend never mentioned her to me.

She was polite and said, "Well now you have my number give me a call."

It took me a week before I text her back. From that day we clicked. We spoke most of the day sometimes all night. Thank goodness for Bmobile free after three.

We did the social networking relationship for close to six months before meeting personally.

Image taken from Google

Everything made more sense. 
It was the birth of a whole different person all I had questioned for years were answered, everything felt absolutely authentic.

The communication and understanding were on point.  We were making plans for a future. We got engaged and planned a trip to New York to get married by the end of the next year; she bought a ring and even a rent an apartment.

Our biggest obstacle was Nicole is openly gay and I am not, so she introduced me to her mother, her friends, her son and her son’s father as her girlfriend or “wifey”. I introduced her to my circle as my friend. She disliked being called "my friend".

Other people's perception of her was the last thing she thought about. 

Image taken from Google

She’s a believer in public display of affection. Nicole is the type of person who will stand on the stairs of the Hall of Justice and profess her love. She loves holding hands in public I can tolerate that but the long hugs or trying to kiss; the attention she drew was unwarranted.  
I was not ashamed but everything has its place and time.

Image taken from Google

All of a sudden everything was moving at lightning speed.  I had uncertainties, I was not ready for a relationship where my orientation will be known to my family and friends.  I wanted to be with her without the attention, the ring,  the plans because for me so many things could have gone wrong in my life.

Then I thought we were not compatible this was only my first same-sex relationship. Also, I was very concerned that there was a child involved. She quickly clarified that her son who is about eleven understood. He was never a problem to the relationship though, we had conversations, he's very intelligent and well mannered but I found it difficult to believe he understood everything.

Nicole and I ended things on a very sour note however we maintain a bizarre friendship. I often wonder what would have if I had disregarded all my fears and lived the way we planned. 

Image of ex-girlfriend tattoo of my name

In a couple of months I met someone else and she was unsure about her sexual identity.

Dating in closet is suiting for persons who are not yet out and are in the confusion stage of their sexual identity. 








You will think that these relationship wouldl be less problematic because there’s no pressure to come out. There will be patience and understanding. 

Image taken from Google

Wrong it’s a nightmare and emotionally exhausting. It makes you feel paranoid and on the edge.

Image taken from Google images

Dating a closet lesbian comes with boundaries:

No Public Display of Affection including don’t walk to close, don’t stand to close

Social anxiety: don’t come around when my friends are around.

Conscious awareness that their homoerotic attractive is unacceptable and must not integrate into their public persona. We go to the movies and won't hold hands even though the theater is dark.

There’s gender disassociation in conversations “ I’m going out with my friend tonight. We went to dinner this weekend.It's my friend birthday” 
To the listening ear they immediately associate the person with being someone of the opposite sex.

Being in the closet you comprehend the fabrication and secrecy. Somehow you make it work because psychological you are both on the same level of development and acceptance and you were once in her shoe. 

Work on building the relationship together step by step without the fear that the others would expose your life to others, It’s safe and remotely comfortable.  Now I understand why the relationship with an out of the closet person did not work, we were in two different places mentally.
Dating is not easy as it is. The conflict of someone in the closet versus someone is not can be complicated.