Only God can Judge Me

There was never a moment in my life I made a conscious choice to be a lesbian. Having struggled with my sexual identity for a very long and a strong conviction in God, I had convinced myself that my soul will be eternally damned. It’s what I was taught growing up in a Christian household. 

Sitting in church listening to the Pastor preach about Sodom and Gomorrah's destruction; the fire and brimstone, I didn’t want that to be my fate.

I know being gay and a Christian is a contradiction, as it goes against everything the Bible stands for.

 I thought my feelings were a problem and I was ashamed of it. I often thought there must be a way I can be cured.  So I confessed my struggled to one of the youth ministers because I wanted to follow the right path. 
We had pray sessions and Bible study. He would say repent, refrain from acting on my feelings; be in the world but not of world and I absorbed it all, believing it all.  Pray changes everything.

He painted the picture that because of who I am my entire life will be cursed. I did not want to live in a world where I would not be able to love, or have romantic relationships or a family, that sadness made me vulnerable; trusting of him. He is a man of the cloth destine for heaven one of the chosen etc and all that goodness, everything he said made sense and who else would I have chosen to guide me on the right path but a shepherd of the church. 

Religion is really the opium of the masses. And a man will and always be just a man

He made sexual advances; truthfully I deliberated it as part of the process to rid my spirit of the sinful homosexual urges because he’s a man.

I quickly came to my senses. Here he was, a man who is supposed to be an exemplar preying on my misfortune trying to convince me that a sexual connection with him will “fix” me. 

I was desperate but not that desperate.

Why is other sins acceptable except homosexuality? Committing adultery is okay and can be overlooked, right? I spoke to myself and concluded there will be no fixing or curing.

However, when I became very ill with pneumonia honestly I believed this was my punishment for forsaking and wavering on my spirituality for the “wicked” thoughts and deeds. So I did what any good Christian will do and pleaded with God for forgiveness and I swore to change my life and devote myself more to the church.  

This is the continuous war between my spirituality and my sexuality. I have regrouped my thoughts and accepted what can not be altered and focus on what is.

This should not even be a battle, God knows my heart. He knew who I am before I was even here. And it is said that God doesn't make mistakes. So there is nothing wrong with me. What more is expected of me I have tried to resist all temptation the best way I can. I have denied myself to satisfy other people, now I desire happiness and comfort, and I am.

Whenever people ask me if I believe in God, I humbly say yes. There is nothing to be said that I don’t already know.  And if the only weapon to be used against me are rewritten verses reconsider the ammunition. 

As a human being who can truthfully say they life their complete life govern by every commandment and every word to whatever religious affiliation they are associated with, the answer will be no. All we can do is try our best to life an honest life.

I am a Christian that’s my faith; I’m a lesbian that’s my sexual orientation. Although it seems like a contradiction I am living a life of wholeness and gratitude for all God has done. Only God can judge me.