Lesbianism and sexual abuse

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Sexual abuse is always a sensitive topic that most people would rather not discuss and prefer the issue be swept under the carpet. I cannot say for certain that childhood sexual abuse can lead to someone’s sexual identity but I don’t think that the theory should be overlooked as some form of conditioning can determine a person’s sexual orientation. 

Tessa’s story

When people ask me if I’m a lesbian because I was molested as a child, I say it’s a contributing factor. I am a clichéd lesbian. Growing up my mother worker as the housekeeper for a well-known family in West mooring, she was the live in domestic worker from the moment I was born until I was about eleven years old. We were treated well, as though we were part of the family. I never told my mother, that her boss’s eldest son was sexually abusing me. It started when I was six years, I couldn’t tell my mother because we had nowhere else to live. We had no family residing in Trinidad that we knew of, my mother was not a citizen and her residency was not approved. We could have been deported, he pounded that in my head.

Being abused caused many problems for me. I don’t want to sound cliché’ but he ruined my childhood. I developed learning disabilities; at fourteen years I couldn’t even write my name. I could have read perfectly but my handwriting was horrible.

I was promiscuous by the time I was sixteen. I didn’t care about anything, I was extremely rebellious; not going to school, moving with the wrong crowd, going home whatever time I felt like. My mother and I fought all the time. She couldn’t discipline me; until she took me to the police. 

I behaved for a few months then, I started going astray again so she threw me out. I lived with my boyfriend for a couple of weeks until one of the neighbours begged my mom to take me back.

I dropped out of school in the final year of secondary school and my mother threw me out again. With nowhere to go I roamed the neighbourhood at day and at nights when my mother was asleep I snuck onto the pouch and slept. One morning she woke up before I did, I guess she planned it and poured a bucket of water on me and chased me away.

A man in the area rescued me. He allowed me to live in his house with no strings attached. He never made any advances or demanded anything of me. He helped me find work and also helped with my schooling to obtain some CXC passes.

It was during this period when I thought about being constantly assaulted and tormented  I developed a contempt towards men. The tornado my life was caught up in was because of being sexually abused.  Everything about men I hated their smell, their voice, their touch disgusted me; I wanted anything to do with men. I was able to get a small place to be on my own. It was then I found solace in the comfort of women. Now, my promiscuity was going from one woman to the next I was wild.

My mother came to my place and confronted me one afternoon. She said, she heard rumours that I was a lesbian.  That was the day I revealed the sexual torture I endured as a child the animosity I had for her because I blamed her. My mother became very ill because of my revelation. I moved back home to take care of her. Being able to confide in my mother I was able to put in my life back in a positive perspective. All is not well between us; my mother and I have a bittersweet relationship. 

So, I do believe my sexual abuses played a major role in my sexual orientation because I know as long as I am alive I never want to be touched by a man again.

When it comes to sexual abuse and sexual orientation, there is no clear cut connection to indicate one leads to the other. However, I think if someone says, that, as of a result of their abuse they are gay it should not be disputed because sexual abuse can condition an individual to build fear and grave disgust. In Tessa’s case, and many women who share the same sentiments, sexual abuse causes many physiologically effects. 

The percent of women who identifies as lesbian and who were sexually abused as a child is statistically very low.