FORBIDDEN DESIRES!!

Last semester I did a creative writing course which I enjoyed immensely. I decided to share my final assignment with. I got an A for this story entitled 'Her Indiscretion'. Maybe if I continue writing I can do a novella of lesbian theme short stories.

Google Image

Its six fifteen p.m. Sunday evening I’m seated in my car on the Lady Young Lookout Morvant emotionally drained. My world was falling apart. My husband chose to use my affair with Rachel as the topic for his Sermon in church this morning to reiterates the church’s stance on homosexuality.  For a man of the cloth Terrence knew nothing about humility.

I touched my face; it stung from where my mother slapped me, the fainted taste of blood lingered in my mouth as my mind drifted back and forth to the confrontation in Terrence’s office.

“Everyone is overreacting.”

Is it fair that we both love the same woman? I know I love her more, more genuinely but she wants you because of the life that’s acceptable, I’m hurting, my love is wasted hoping for something that almost seems impossible

“She’s hurting because her love is wasted...You are my wife you had an affair with a woman and I should not react.” Terrence voice roar, veins grew on his forehead, Bible in hand he flipped through the pages from Genesis to Timothy ranting the scriptures that condemns homosexuality. “Thirteen years I was married to a Sodomite, you are the reason God spiting me and I can’t see my way I should have my ministry by now.”

My mother agreed with his every word, fed into his self-pity calling me blight.

I reached into the glove compartment, retrieved Rachel’s letter of repentance I read it again.

She wrote the truth needed to be told regardless if hearts will be broken.

We met at the outreach program in the church when my grandmother was part of the committee visiting the children’s and Senior citizens home. Tricia always made sure I had money etc to go to class. My Grandmother’s held a small get together at her house in Carenge that’s when this unexpected affair started. We were in the kitchen doing dishes talking… I can’t even remember what we were talking about when suddenly she kissed me I was speechless because there was no indication of that she would, she never showed that affection. We ignored it until Old Years night while fire works were lighting the sky we stood on Hilton’s Rooftop deliberating what we should do, we knew something click when we met and something was different and we were willing to explore these feelings. It was not easy for either of us. Tricia became miserable, struggling with her urges that she sorted professional counseling at the Wellness Center. I had accepted that I was gay at sixteen, but Tricia had convinced herself she was experimental and didn’t label her sexuality… I had to deal with the uncertainties… While you lived with the beautiful facade she puts on I lived in emotional torture…and you don’t even appreciate her

I flicked away tears coursing down my cheeks I felt the agony in every word she wrote yet I held no anger in me towards her as the torturous conversation replayed in my mind with Terrence demanding I showed him where in Bible supports same sex relations.

“I can’t do that. You show me where it say don’t judge people.”

He exclaimed, “Tricia you grew up in church your father was a pastor. You should know better…They send you for me. You are my devil.”

“Devil? You embarrassed me in front the entire church. You are a hypocrite! Before my father died I told him and he got down on his knees with me he didn’t treat me less than a human. Practice what you preach Terrence forgive me”  

My mother chimed in “You sound stupid like them stupid people supporting this gay funniness. Stop lying about your father; he’s probably turning in his grave right now. It not right! God did not forgive Sodom and Gomorrah! Don’t forgive she.”

“It’s not a lie Mommy I’m still a good person, Terrence I’m still the same person.”

“Terrence the upholder is worse than the thief.How you get so Tricia? You never get abuse when you was small in no way shape, form or fashion, you grow up in a good home is the TV everything black people seeing them white doing them doing too”

“All I’m hearing is how wrong I am no one is listening to me.”

Terrence tosses the letter on the floor angrily, “Listen to what Tricia! That already explained it! This nastiness has been going on for years. I remember when we went Barbados for your 30th birthday you insisted Rachel had to come and since I thought she was your best friend I agreed but I found the both of you were acting weird like something was wrong I though maybe you fallout, when I asked you said it was nothing. That entire weekend not once you let me touch you.”

“I didn’t let you touch me because I was still coming to terms with the lost of my baby. I carried a child full term and she died. Do you know what that feels like? I had to pretend that I accept death as part of life and I can’t carry because of my medical condition.  Rachel was the only person who took time and patience to understand what I was coming through. Where was your support? Your needs always came before mines.”

I helped her through two miscarriages and a still birth; you are so crass and insensitive about it saying her time will come. Tricia needed you to be sympathetic and comforting I took a week sick leave from work to be there for her by her side after she lost the baby. I offered to carry a child for her but we knew you would never agree with the idea. I will do that for Tricia I will do anything for her…just know for  every wound you made emotionally I healed I guess it’s in my nature to be caring since I am a nurse but I feel so cheated watching how cautious and submissive she is when it comes to your feelings with no regards for mine. I guess that’s your entitlement she is your wife, right?

My mother shook her head in disdain, “Shame, you have all kinda excuse, you is a Judas, girl, God know why he not giving you children to spoil their lives…yuh not good”

“Mommy that’s what you will stand there and say to me. This is between me and my husband”. I said to my mother “Terrence I was always here supporting you. I put you first”

“If you were here like a good wife is supposed to be there will be no room for that lesbian to brainwash you. So, because I didn’t sit and cry with you, you turned into this ungodly person and branded your infidelity and sin on your flesh now you have the audacity to say I’m selfish. I want the truth.”

I cuff the steering wheel and the car horn blared. The couple in the red Mitsubishi next to me stared at me confused. I lay my head on the steering wheel more tears, sniffles; the Kleenex box was almost empty. I read some more of Rachel’s confession

I didn’t write this to be vindictive I’m a woman divided, hurt and angry the last eight years of my life has only been about Tricia that tattoo on her left arm that represents us I have the same. Sometimes I try to figure out what it is about you that keeps her there because I believe our relationship is meaningful and more in-depth. I know she prefers me. Do you realize whenever we go out for dinner and you hold her hand she doesn’t grip yours, or the minute any man approach me to ask me out how jealous she becomes, she interferes says something like I think so-so is a better person for you or Rachel’s already seeing someone. She says when she’s lying in your arms at night she’s wishing it was me; my kisses are sweeter and my touches are softer. The selfish part of me wished she had met me first especially on Holidays when I have to wait until she can get free time to run away to see me like Christmas and birthdays…Many times I’ve said all she has to do is tell me to go, for her marriage sake and she will never hear from me again…but she doesn’t and love is putting someone’s else happiness before yours

I should have lied when my eyes gazed at that mahogany polished Jesus nailed to the cross on the wall above the window in the church. Terrence and my mother were the Palestinians waiting for my confession to crucify me to my cross. The temperature in the room suddenly became stifling as though hell had risen around us.

I don’t know what to do with any of my feelings

“Truth is.” I looked at my intolerant mother, at my chauvinist husband, “I can’t turn off my feelings. I have prayed I have fast and it’s not going anywhere… I love her…” That was the beginning and end of it all.

She won’t tell me what am I supposed to do with all these feelings?

My mother right hand connected with my face so quickly I felt whip lash, the deafening buzz echoed in my ear. I heard fluid gushing around in my head, blood dipped from my lip onto my lilac blouse. Terrence step away praying inaudibly. Save her, heal her.

“Animals don’t even do that you bringing yuhself lower than animals! You should be in St. Ann’s because you mad!” My mother blasted.

“Love shouldn’t be wrong between two consenting adults the way I feel about Rachel doesn’t feel wrong.”

There’s nothing wrong about the way I feel about Tricia

My mother shouts, “What madness you saying?”

I could feel myself breaking down but I refused to be submerged by my emotions.

Terrence looks to ceiling, “Lord help me.”

“Mommy, Terrence this is who I am.”

Terrence put his hand on my forehead, “A homosexual? No, you will be saved from this wickedness.”

I knock his hand away, “There is nothing wrong with me something is wrong with the both of you for believing in a God that teaches hate and violence. I can’t accept that!”

My mother wailed like she was in a sudden pain. But not as strong as the agony that wept from Rachel’s written expressions.

Terrence spoke to the ceiling, “This is my test!” Held me firmly, “Pray with me. “

“No.”

Terrence spits in my face,“Get out of my eye sight you can’t be my wife … you sick.”

“Open your Bible I know where it says that’s okay.”

“Disrespectful…You will never see God face.” My mother hurl her finally insult.

“Neither will both of you.”

I pick up my purse, the letter off the floor and walk away from my smoldering battlefield.

Is it fair that we both love the same woman… what makes your love right and mine wrong, gender?…You don’t see her..I have her heart and that’s better…

A little after seven p.m. my raging emotions settled I threw the letter back into the glove compartment.

I drove along the Lady Young to the busy Eastern Main Road I was no longer living a lie, I was free. I drove into Sunshine Avenue, San Juan to the apartment Rachel and I have been leasing for the last three years mentally anticipating, knowing this moment will soon come.

I switch on the laptop on the counter top; Rachel’s face appeared on Skype

“When are you coming home?” I said.

“I have a few rounds to make, to check on some patients I should be there around four.” She sighs, looked worried, “How did it go?”

“Not good…but I’m ok. Wait up for you?”

“No get some rest, and don’t worry we will be fine.” Rachel smiled the satisfying sign of victory smeared across her face.