The selfishness of being a lesbian...

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My life is split unevenly. I have two sets stories but all I truly want is one that I can fix into without compromising everything else. Most of the time I feel excluded, maybe it’s by choice because socially I am not quite sure how to fit in.

Even now that I had to do this project for the collaboration component I’m viewing everyone’s working and nothing connects, or seems applicable to the topic of lesbianism. I must admit I feel self-conscious to even ask.

This weekend I listened to Kerry Washington’s speech at the 26^th annual GLAAD award and it touched me. While she spoke about exclusion in the media LBGT person I thought about the aspect of my life that I hide because of my own omission not being certain where to place myself.

I seem perpetually single at work not by choice. It’s because of the complexity of having to explain I’m gay I rather not divulge into my sexuality.

Appearing perpetually single to male coworkers is tiresome always having to refuse an invitation to be taken out. There is one time I found out there was a bet in the office to “see” who can get me first. Very mature; I thought only high-schoolers did that. There are maybe only two coworkers who have my phone number.

There’s one male I thought was very handsome. Being a lesbian doesn’t mean I’m blind to men I will give credit where it’s due. We chat anytime of the day or night;  his friendship means alot. He is the sweetest, easiest person to talk to and he’s not effeminate.  
He eventually expressed his interest and I destroyed those sentiments quite immediately by saying, the things that intrigued him about women I am interested in as well. Right off the bat his next message was my girlfriend always wanted to have an experience with a girl, do you want her number? Of course I do; I have nothing better to do than entertain someone’s inquisitiveness. I took the number and as suspected her curiosity was because he wants her to be. I wished them luck with that as I’m not into the business of subjecting myself to the anguish of being with a man to conceal my lesbianism. However, I remained friends with him because like I said he’s a good listener.

My boss and I have a practically close bond; she’s constantly discussing her home life; her husband and children. I never mentioned anyone to her so I am the loneliness person she has ever met. She would inquire, who am I with or ask what I thought of “this person” and “that person” I would say I don’t like anyone here. Her opinion of me; I am strange, sly and secretive.

As we sat and have lunch a Friday afternoon I said to her I have something to tell her.  I gave her my phone to read my messages. The messages were intimate conversations and immediately she aligned it to being associated with a man. While she smiled and read I said, “Those are from a woman.”

She said, “But this sounds like you are in a relationship with this person.”

“We are.”

Instantly she said she doesn’t tolerate “that kind of thing” and if I was hurt by a man the best thing to do is stay by myself and not engage in that lifestyle and I am selfish I should be with a man, procreate and get married in that order. Becoming a lesbian is what selfish women do!

There is no contribution to the plan designed for mankind; a woman is life.

What can a woman do for you?

There were so many ways I can have answered this question but I did the selfish thing and kept the answer to myself. The next day she apologized; yet still maintained my “choice” was a self-centered one, she would rather I not live “that life”.

Image taken from Google

The only selfish life I have is the one where I am in a relationship with someone for three years and keeping it a secret. Being selfish is attending family gatherings; while everyone is there with their children and significant other, I am miserable the entire time being a commentator to everything that's taking place to the person on the other end of the phone since they too are living a life in the shadows. That is a “choice”. 
It's not being cowardice, it's self-preservation and that's what makes me selfish. My life is split disproportionately to give the impression that I am world’s definition of normal. When in reality ignorance is bliss; and anything that's worth anything, doesn't comes only in black and white.