FORGIVING MYSELF

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A Nigerian therapist once said to my ex-girlfriend who suffers from clinic depression that women in Trinidad has too much freedom that’s why we are immoral and practice lesbianism and my thoughts were why you don’t go back to Nigeria  because you too are enjoying our freedom.  We’re judged.

Visiting a doctor (not the usual family doctor because the family doctor doesn’t understand confidentiality, my mother will know I made a visit and for what) for a check-up.

 The doctor asked “How many men have you had sex with this year?”

 When I responded none, she gazed at me strangely and ask, “So why are you testing for HIV and STDs?”  My heart decided to catapult into my stomach and my hands started to shake when I said because I had sexual relations with women. She wrote in her notepad. It was too awkward, doctor visits are not supposed to be that difficult. After she said, “You don’t look gay, maybe I could recommend you to someone you can talk too.” 

We’re prejudged.

I said, “That’s not necessary; just call me when my results are ready.”

Everyone has something to say; all of a sudden the moral police are on patrol.

There is so much shame associated with being gay some I am consciously aware of. I have accepted that I have internalized problems with being a lesbian.

 A perfect example involves this anonymous blog and Facebook when friends from high school or college sends a friend request I immediately think my privacy will be invaded now I have to coach myself; do not like that page, Girl on Girl Documentary, do not like that picture of Kris Hill or any androgynous females who may shows up in my

Source Google. Androgynous female

timeline and what if they see that I am a member of the Pink Triangle  and quite a few lesbian groups thinking about the whole “outing” process; sometimes I simply desist from add them. Needless to say, I will add a strange woman if she sends a friend request and we have a few friends in common, she's a queer sister. I  also know I can easily change the settings but I enjoy being difficult at times; being watchful makes me exhausted. It takes so much energy than it’s worth to deal with “You used to be such a nice girl how come you I turned out this way”

Clearly I am an over thinker and probably I have missed opportunities for friendships  due to my reluctance to befriend a person based on a preconceived judgment I made about them. But can you blame me?

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So why am I telling you all this?

I have decided its time to forgive myself for all my indiscretions and embrace the world without hesitation, without presuming people, without limiting myself. I have finally stopped caring as much what people think. Obviously, if someone vocally shares that they are a bigot towards me best believe, I will keep my distance

I forgive myself for this defective thinking. I should not feel shame.